Dear Brad, it’s 1977 and you are living in a small town called Milton Freewater, Oregon! It’s  a very hard time for you being alone with this secret! I have not told anyone yet and some how you are being called a Faggot & other Nicknames the class has given you! You’re being teased and made fun of everyday! You try to drown yourself in your studies and the pain inside is hard to bear! Nobody to talk to! You see it’s 1977 and there is no Internet! No local support groups or even anyone like you! Your teachers you can’t talk to and one teacher is even fond of using your new nickname in front of the whole class! Mrs Coowie the English Teacher should know better you say to yoursef! I feel even more alone!

You try to be friends by showing them music and your artwork! They laugh and call you names! “Look at Fagboy dancing by himself” one yells and they stand around! Teresa Childers makes a point to call you out on the bus and the laughter surrounds your head like little hammers!  You are saying to yourself it will get better! But you don’t believe it.

Next year it’s your Junior year! I’m hoping for some friends! You go to dances, sporting events, you now have a couple of friends. A guy named Tony Waggoner, some girls named Rhonda King, Sarah Kinchloe! This is nice but my secret is still hidden! I suspect they know, I won’t tell,  At school I’m thinking about sports! Maybe that will take away these feelings and make me friends! As the months passed by nothing really changes! The name calling has reached unbearable! So I undress after PE and take a shower! Wash up fast and get out you tell yourself! Then that’s when you feel the sting! This time it’s not words it’s a wet towel from an upper classmen! Then a second one, then a third! Then you scream out loud “stop it” and “knock it off” with soap still on your hands and welts on your legs you tear up but don’t let them see it!  You walk off campus and there has to be a place to hide. You find a overpass to hide. You cry like you never did before. Going home later you feel anger and hurt and alone. The next few days look bright! Maybe! Your new friend is an outcast like yourself! You both love David Bowie and Elton John! Kiss is your favorite Rock band and this new music called Disco is amazing! One night I think it’s time to tell my friend my secret!

After a night of a bottle of wine stolen from her parents house we open up! I said the words! I like boys! She said she already knew. That was a relief! Not so alone today but you had a hang over! The thoughts of killing yourself were gone! You had a happiness You had not had in a long time. Something was different! In class the names still kept coming but seemed more distant! One day in class the familer Faggot got called after you name was called for role call!  Teacher called out Brad? Sombody yelled “Faggot” and you said “Thats Right” Silence filled the room and the Teacher stumbling on his words went on!  You finally said it! Your secret was out! You were out and You felt alive! That was a good day! But I had to go home and face the family! You felt alone again! Dinner was served and you were watching the news! A movie was being filmed in NYC and called Crusing! Gay people were protesting the movie! You  saw your first Gay person talking on TV then another! Two, Three and then a whole street full. You wished the news would of been hours of it! Your father mad. A negative comment about how they were going to hell! Jesus no! I don’t want to go to hell you cried! At night I asked God to make it go away! The next morning it was still there! You Prayed a lot during that summer! Senior year! The phone rings and you say hello! It’s a call for you from a school mate asking you over for a pool game! His parents were out of town! Excited that somebody who was so popular wanted to be friends! As you arrive he asks if you want a beer! It was cold and good! You talk about music, art people, but your doing all the talking and you start to feel strange! Why did he ask me to come over if he is not being friendly! Knock on door! Two more people and one of them scares me! You stand next to wall and say hello! Then they walk over and Fagboy likes pool sticks! Up his ass! Laughing! You need to get out! Then they want you to suck their Dick they say and one of them starts to pull is pants down! You scream no! You go for the door! You run down the street! Your not crying! Your angry at them and the world! It’s time to run away!

Portland Oregon 1981, You hitch hiked to Portland, you had met a girl over the summer who made friends with and said you could live with her! She said I would love it there! There is people just like you! Your 3rd day there you went to a park with her! The park was beautiful and as you walk up to the group of people! You are introduced! Bob, Karen, Woody Some call me Miss Peacock! You laugh and say nice to meet you all! We talk and laugh! You have so many questions! Your not alone! Your no longer scared! There is thousands of people like yourself! You were so happy! It must of showed cause you won the heart of your very first boyfriend! His name was Steve Harris!  You were in love with Steve and yourself! Things got better! Gone was the feelings of it’s wrong! Gone were the feelings of hurting myself! Gone was the shame! It’s now 2010, You now have had a most amazing life and traveled seen so many things! The journey you have traveled is first class! Not of money but of life! A first class ride in life! You came out! And you found out what joy being true and open to yourself is! Well done! This is my coming out story to myself! I am Brad Bernier and I am Gay!

Tags: National Coming Out Day