Dear Hoping in Portland
Hi Marc – Thanks for doing this column. I am a 35 year old gay man here in Portland. I desperately want to get into a meaningful relationship but I find that every time I get close to someone, they either let me down in a really big way or I just lose interest. I am willing to work on the changes I need to make to meet (and keep) the right person. What do I need to do?
Hoping In Portland (HIP)
Dear HIP:
You are not alone. I come across this situation all the time in my work with gay men. As gay men and lesbians, we don’t really have many good role models on how to have and maintain a good healthy relationship (and that can mean a lot of different things for different people). Most of us grow up in a heterosexual family and have that as a role model; which is not even working for the heterosexuals, with a divorce rate close to 50%. While our peers are learning dating skills, we are often hiding our sexuality from others and ourselves. On top of that, no mater how liberated we are, we still have been cultured in traditional male and female roles. Men are active, outgoing and aggressive; and women are passive, stay at home, and smooth things over. When you put them into a same sex relationship there are a lot of new dynamics to deal with.
Equally so, I have seen some of the most functional relationships between gay men and women; whether they are monogamous, open, play together, close friends or polyamory. I think the very fact that gay men and women have to talk about relationships more than heterosexual men and women leads to more explorations as to what will work for the individuals involved.
This is what I would like you to do. Make a list of the traits and qualities that you feel are important in a long-term happy relationship. Take some time and put some serious thought into this. Then take the list and ask yourself, do you have and cultivate these qualities in yourself (would you be your perfect boyfriend), even talk to a close friend to get some honest feed back. Finally take the list and compare it to all of your past relationships. How do the people you have dated in the past line up to the list of qualities that you want in a relationship? This should give you a good foundation of what to look for in the men you choose to date in the future.
R. Marc Andrews is a counselor in Portland, Oregon specializing in gay male relationships and issues.
PLEASE READ CAREFULLY: This is an advice column. It should never take the place of therapy offered by a licensed professional. Neither R. Marc Andrews nor Fabulous PDX bears any liability for the advice given or your interpretation of it. If you need help, please contact 911.
Marc,
Great advice. As a professional intuitive this is a common challenge many have. Your suggestion to review desired traits is, as you said, a “good foundation.” The key is “foundation.” The reality is that one must also allow for differences..perhaps prioritizing requirements can help. That way as one does not find the complete package, the “important” things will be more self evident. It also helps to leave room in a relationship to build experiences together. Gain a history..not jump in and out of “love” so quickly.
I love you note to do not request what you do not offer. Again listing your best assests..and asking a true friend what they are can give ones self a better perspective on “reality.” I think that “American Idol” is a great example of people not really in touch with who they are, skilled or not.
Looking forward to more info’ from you!