Dear Closeted Self,

At thirteen, you know yourself better than you think you do.  You’re still working on growing up and all, but those doubts about whether you actually know what’s in your best interest? Don’t listen to those. You know more than you think you do, and much, MUCH more than most people will credit you with for a very, very long time.

You aren’t crazy- you’re just queer and radical.  The world isn’t ready for you, and might never be… but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be here.  You have a right to occupy space.  You have a right to love and be loved on terms that feel good to you. A lot of people are going to spend a lot of time trying to convince you otherwise. Don’t listen to them, either!

Closeted self, you’re going to spend much too much time trying to figure out how to look queer and maintain the rest of the identity you’re still working on building.  You will look back on the terrible, terrible things that you did to your hair over the next few years, and that jacket you wore around town for a year and a half that looked like you borrowed it from your imaginary butch girlfriend, and you will laugh.

You’re going to laugh a lot.

Your life isn’t going to be easy… probably not ever. You will get better at navigating it, though.  You will become competent at getting through increasingly harder and harder things, and it will start to FEEL easier.

Stick with Girl Scouts, because this is the first and best place for you right now to find friends and role models who will stick with you for a very long time, or re-emerge later, just when you need them.

Stop trying to be less intense- it’s never going to happen and you’ll just end up frustrating yourself. You’re an intense woman, and someday, if we’re lucky, we’ll end up with someone who complements our intensity, and it will feel wonderful.

As you get older, you’ll meet other people who understand you better.  You’ll find that you’re better able to express yourself, and this will help.  Coming out at an early age is a really good idea for you, but it isn’t a good idea for everybody, so try to keep in mind that you’re going spend some time playing social tour guide.  You’ll get annoyed at this sometimes, but you can handle that, and you’ll be good at it.  Don’t be afraid to let other people guide you, too. There’s no shame in needing help from your friends, and it doesn’t make you any less macho- even in that adorable dress you’re likely to be wearing.

Keep wearing adorable dresses if you want to, because you’ll end up wearing them whenever you want to anyway.

Trusting people is a good thing, but not everyone will be trustworthy.  Keep your eyes and ears open.  Use your face to your advantage, read between the lines, and don’t take any shit.

Above all, don’t take any shit.

You’re awesome.

Love,
Eleanorerose
(Your Un-Closeted Self, 17 years later)

Submit your own “Letter To The Closet” here.

Tags: National Coming Out Day